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rag451
Member
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# Posted: 8 Jan 2004 16:59
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I’ve been looking at a lot of threads during the past few months from people trying to cheer their friends up, letting their friends know about something important in their lives, and all matter of personal encouragement. I’ve dropped hints I’d like a thread for myself, not out of greed or selfishness, but just to know someone cares. Finally tonight, I decided to hell with waiting for others to pick up on what I want. If I want a thread for me, I’m the only one that’ll be able to do it. I need to vent. I have to vent.
I feel like crap. I go into the chat rooms, and I feel useless and lost. I post on the forums and feel like I’m an annoyance. I don’t know what to do to please anyone but myself. Oddly enough as it sounds, I can’t please myself unless I know that I’m pleasing somebody else. To that end, over the past year and a half, I’ve been constantly on the brink of resigning. I’m always screaming at myself, “This is the last straw!” I’m on edge all the time trying to go back and forth between having fun and not stepping on toes. I see people who joined way after I did becoming the toast of the town and being promoted incredibly fast. Maybe I’m jealous, but maybe above all I’m just lost.
Awhile back, I decided to stop busting my hump trying to impress anyone and just be myself. I’m constantly being given the advice that I should always be myself no matter what. If someone doesn’t like who I really am, then that’s their problem. Well, I was myself. I went into the chat room and announced my mood in true Robert style. I stopped pretending that I liked this senior or that senior, and just said my mind when it was within the Prime Directives to do so. If I wanted to have fun, then by gosh, I did it.
What happened, very soon, was that I began to feel worse than I did when I wasn’t being myself. Somehow, though, I had been so instilled with this whole honesty bit that I couldn’t go back to just smiling and nodding my head like an ass. I wanted to be honest with the community. I wanted to have real friends. I had the means to call ‘friends’ up on the phone. I had the means to write Christmas cards. But I didn’t have the means to visit anyone.
I feel very good about myself offline. I like who I am, how I interact with people, and what kind of a person I’ve become. It’s been more than two years since I’ve had the least bit problem with my self-esteem and confidence. Somehow, online, I’ve become that kid that I used to be in social situations. I’m unsure of myself, insecure, angry, and worthless. I look around me and see empty friendships that I’ve failed at. I look into the chat rooms and see dark pits of nothingness that I want nothing to do with. I see the forums as my stage to be a fool, but it’s the only stage I have for anything, or so I hope. I search for advice and come up with things I already know.
I’m supposed to be myself, not care what others thing about that, and just carry on. I don’t feel wanted, though. I don’t feel appreciated. I don’t feel as if what I do is worth the effort I put into it. I feel like I don’t have an identity anymore. I want to leave the Outpost, but I don’t want what little I feel like I have achieved to be in vain. I want to be a part of a community, and this community specifically. I want to improve this place that I’ve come to love, and I want to be an important part of it. I want friendships that mean something, and most of all, I want to be accepted for whom I am, and not for whom I’m seen to be.
Robert Griffith
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demonvamp
Member
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# Posted: 8 Jan 2004 18:27
Reply
Robert GGGG  When I joined the outpost you're name kept popping up all over the forums and the chat, I thought, who is this guy? And why has he earned the title of 'Forum Guru?'
As I came into the chat and forums I'd often cross paths with you only briefly as you have a rather alarming tendency to leave the chat without warning, often before I'd manage to get a word in. But, over time, I've managed to pin you down occasionally. Why did I try? Because from the things you've said and done I thought I'd like to get to know this Mysterious guru of the net with his honest insights and intriguing personality. We may not know each other very well yet, but the outpost would be a colder, darker place without you around.
So, here's a big cheer for Robert GGGGG, and a great big hug from Queen DDDDD
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maxwell
Member
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# Posted: 8 Jan 2004 20:36
Reply
Why so worked up, Robert? You've done a great job helping out in the areas you have and I'm sure the membership values and appreciates you.
My suggestion would be to relax, have fun, and not become so OTF-anxious. Perhaps you're taking it a little too seriously, I don't know. Go for a run around the block, enjoy the fresh air, and enjoy a mug of brewsky.
Andrew
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lzrman
Member
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# Posted: 8 Jan 2004 20:43
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dierna
Member
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# Posted: 8 Jan 2004 20:48
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Robert Robert Robert
Among all the peeps that have joined OTF you're definatly the most unique. Who else would annoy even my mom! *lol* And yes...that's a good thing! 
Over the years I've come to know you...you're my friend...accept it cuz it's true. 
The point is...don't feel like you have to be somebody else to enjoy OTF... just be yourself...You're doing a good job in what you do...
Yes it does seem like everybody's passing you in ranks.... heck I remember when nearly everybody(this is including most if not all the Captains! ) were ensigns! I know how you feel...you're not alone...don't feel like you're the only one out there not being promoted super fast....
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maxwell
Member
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# Posted: 8 Jan 2004 21:15
Reply
<!--QuoteBegin--lzrman+Jan. 08 2004,20:43--></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td><b>Quote</b> (lzrman @ Jan. 08 2004,20:43)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"><!--QuoteEBegin--><center><img src=http://www3.telus.net/lzrman/Alerts/conhug.gif></center><!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span id='postcolor'><!--QuoteEEnd--><br>Ok, that's it... we're officially bringing back Lzrmans' "Most Annoying" rank from this summer
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lzrman
Member
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# Posted: 8 Jan 2004 21:38
Reply
*l* only if  only if i could change urs
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rag451
Member
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# Posted: 8 Jan 2004 21:47
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Thanks for your kind comments. I just got off of the phone after nearly two hours with Eagle and Amanda Sielu Paris. I hope Eagle will post here how much fun we had, especially when it came to hearing my drawn-out Texan accent. It was the most fun I've had, and the reddest I've been in the cheeks (always red in the neck, ;=) ) in some time.
Robert Griffith
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ayanna
Member
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# Posted: 8 Jan 2004 22:49
Reply
Robert ~ I know we dont get along, Can't even remember why really but sure you remember and will probably remind me *L* but i know excatly how your feeling, i have felt that way on several occasions, its hard sometimes, wanting to feel good but not being able to for one reason or another, but i know you have done alot for this community and i know others have seen it as well. give it time as im always told by a close friend This Too Shall pass
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rabid_tribble
Member
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# Posted: 9 Jan 2004 02:14
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Robert, I had no idea you felt this way! You're one of the first peeps that ever talked to me when I joined OTF, and you made me feel welcome, whereas other peeps that were higher-ranking than me didn't even bother saying "hi" to this strange new CL2 with the weird handle. *L* If it wasn't for nice people like you that I met early on at OTF, I probably would have left and never come back. Since then, of course, I've gotten to know you a lot more----and even had a conversation on the phone with you once---and you're still one of the peeps that I most enjoy talking with. Just yesterday, for instance, we had an interesting "historical-themed" conversation. Everybody has ups and downs---I don't need to tell you that---and I hope you'll be in better spirits soon. RT
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rex_nuvolari
Member
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# Posted: 9 Jan 2004 03:42
Reply
All of the above, and you're also a good cook!
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deanna
Member
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# Posted: 9 Jan 2004 04:03
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Robert, Robert, Robert.....
Gah now I'm sitting here lacking in witty retorts. We haven't talked recently on the phone but....*points for everyone else to see* he's way fun to talk to on the phone. Way less uptight *nods*
Be Happy my friend!
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kittykat
Member
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# Posted: 9 Jan 2004 09:44
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You annoy me wayyyyy less than my family, my customers and lots of other people in fact you haven't annoyed me at all in years! Which is no mean feat!
KK
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mustaine
Member
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# Posted: 9 Jan 2004 13:47
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Dude beleive me there are more annoying people in this world. Man I have always seen you as laid back and cool and there's nothing wrong with that. Anyway Robert just thought I'd drop in and say hey and cheer up
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stav219
Member
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# Posted: 9 Jan 2004 15:01
Reply
<insert suitably comforting comment here>
Bah, to hell with that...
Now see here, mister! I know you and I haven't exactly seen eye to eye in the past ~ hell, I think I've bugged the crap out of everybody at one stage or another ~ but you, of all people, were one of the few that I felt genuinely bad about alienating... (no offence to everyone else )
I'm not sure why, but you've always seemed like the kind of person I'd like to get to know better. You have a rather unique way about you and it's something that I've always wanted to explore...
Unfortunately, I don't know you all that well, but what I do know is that this isn't you at all... This self depracating attitude isn't the one that everyone at OTF has come to know and love and it doesn't take a genius to see that these people truly care about you, however you choose to look at it.
A lot of people, myself included, would miss you greatly if you were to leave. OTF would be a grim place indeed without the ever-present Mr. Robert Griffith.
So take heart, Robert, and know that you are wanted... regardless of whether or not everyone seems to be leaving you behind... Lord knows, I'll be your underling for some time to come yet! 
Right, now that you've got this out of your system, should we expect to see you in the chats a little more often?? 
I certainly hope so...
Tin-Char D'Un
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rag451
Member
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# Posted: 9 Jan 2004 16:15
Reply
Goodness knows there, in the nearly two hundred people who have read this thread, people who would like to have my hide right now. . . I didn't write this for them.
Once college begins in two weeks, I will be hard pressed to find myself in the chat room as often as I have been. Of course, I said this before the fall semester started, and look, I ended up being there plenty.
I guess I look around me and see this person and that person has a place. I see, clearly defined, the place this person has. Then I look at me, and I wonder what the heck I do. I could give you titles, I mean, yeah, I'm in a department. But, uh, but I mean, what's my title in the chat? It's like I don't have one. I go in and I don't see myself being called weird names, except by Michiel, who calls me, uh, Ronnie all of the time. But no, I, uh, I don't know how to act anymore.
I take the Outpost with a good dose of seriousness. I don't obsess or, you know, find myself having dreams about OTFers all the time. I was sent a very nice handmade OTF cap for Christmas. I wear it quite often, actually, though not in public. =P Uh, really, I look at OTF as an escape, but more than that, with the, uh, idealistic, broad-stroked view that I had once of all of the Internet as a place to find true friends and a niche for that which I couldn't strive for offline.
OTF has become my online. I visit Trek sites, participate in other boards, but OTF is my "home." It doesn't enter my thoughts offline, but does when I'm at the computer. . . So, eh, I'm not sure how to describe it. I guess I don't see you as others see you. Yeah, I want to escape from this problem or that, but really I'm just searching for a place where I don't have to worry about escaping anything. Being on the run just doesn't appeal to me, physically or mentally. . .
Anyway, yeah. . . anyone ever wants a phone call, e-mail me.
Robert Griffith
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rpmobsession
Member
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# Posted: 9 Jan 2004 17:19
Reply
Aww! Robert! Hey, I tried giving you one of my famous nicknames, but no, you told me not to call you it. All I have to say is...*poinders for a sec* I don't know you, and the only reason I think I haven't tried to reach out and bug...er... talk to you is,simply, because you are all intimidating. *nods* You are. You are all formal and CL5-ish!  Sounds silly, but hey, that's me! This is it though, now you rilly interest me. *eg* Um, if I start talking to you...don't be scared. I'm great, I am! Ask Tin! *threatens him*
-RPM *bout to raid your dossy* HA!
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deanna
Member
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# Posted: 9 Jan 2004 18:12
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Robert you control the forum's...you comment to everyone. Your write in complete sentences and you use proper english. You don't let us give you nicknames...and you are very very serious.
That is your defined role. *nods* And your friends KNOW who they are.
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lzrman
Member
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# Posted: 9 Jan 2004 19:45
Reply
*l* indeed he controls the forums in a guru ish good way i don't write complete sentnces in proper english.
*L:*
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navi_greenleaf
Member
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# Posted: 10 Jan 2004 03:55
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*sighs* Ah, Robert, my dear, whatever shall I do with you? *l*
As you are well aware, you were the first OTFer (aside from the one I knew IRL and the select few to whom she introduced me) that I met. My very first day as an Ensign, I remember it rather clearly...I came in, and, being a newbie, of course not many people said hello. You, on the other hand, jumped at the opportunity to extend a helping hand, to offer me your help in any way you could, etc.
Since then, I'd say we've developed a rather sound friendship, and one that I hope will not soon die out. I must say that I'm sorry things haven't been working out pertaining to the whole being yourself thing, as I know I've advised you to do so myself. However, I guess I can say that that advice is a tad hypocritical, since the bubbly, cheery girl most OTFers have come to know as Navi is only the mask put on by the more-often-depressed-than-not Jessica. But anywho, I'm not sure what words of comfort I can offer at the moment, seeing as I've attempted to do this very thing in the past, and I never seem to help much...
All I can do is offer a hug and an open ear for whenever you need one. My apologies for not being able to be in contact with you in the past week or so as much as I used to...my cell phone minutes were rapidly spent, and I still haven't gotten the bill. Actually, it should be about two weeks yet, because the new plan started billing us on Christmas. I fear the next one, because it may be my last. =P
But still, my email inbox is always itching to receive more emails, and you know me, fast with replies. Any time you need to talk, I'm here.
*hugs* Do feel better, my dear! Look at all these smiling faces who love you!
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quincyw
Member
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# Posted: 10 Jan 2004 04:09
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Dear Robert
I'm not sure what to say, so forgive me if I sound like the @$$ I usually am. We haven't gotten along really well, well, at all. But there are times we have connected as friends and we've shared bits of our heartache.
Back to the point. Robert, I insist that you take leave. It's good you vent, but it's also not healthy to be like how you feel. It can be hard, but go and take a few weeks without 10F.
Never ever feel the obligation to be someone you're not, because you're satisfying them, not yourself.
Don't force yourself to be here if you don't want to.
Don't be unhappy when you have a chance to be.
Don't crash and burn when you can step back, take a deep breath and find your way again.
And don't ever forget as much as you're here and love us, we're all here and love you as much, too.
-Quincy
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navi_greenleaf
Member
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# Posted: 10 Jan 2004 04:13
Reply
*reads Quincy's reply* He already took leave for a while. *l*
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sephiroth
Member
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# Posted: 10 Jan 2004 12:17
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Robert,
Chill the hell out dude. Your post, long as it was, didn't really have a point. Just talk to the people you get on with, and be yourself. You're your own worst enemy by taking it all too seriously and thinking of your 'role' in OTF as a job.
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jadzia_jones1
Member
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# Posted: 10 Jan 2004 12:42
Reply
Maybe you need to stop taking on the world ?... have some fun..relax.. let peeps sort out there own probs... I still get emails from peeps asking for help from when i was in counceling.. i help if i can..but if not i pass it on to peeps who know more and can help... maybe u should 2?
*lol* im in 2 minds 2 let off steam myself .. i dont like it when someone comes 2 me hurting ( not u ) *l* but like u.. i get all flustered and say things maybe i wouldnt when im not so angry...
Leaving? hmm dont think that would make you happy... do what makes u happy... think of u..not anyone everyone else for a change
* Jadzia *
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rag451
Member
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# Posted: 10 Jan 2004 12:49
Reply
I already said I wasn't taking it "that" seriously.
Yeah, Quincy, I've taken breaks. . . I did a month in February '02, two months August-October '02, another month in March '03, and then from Thanksgiving until around Christmas '03.
There seems to be this drive, or maybe it's just me, to get the most chat hours in a month. My brother and I, insulting one another's interest in Star Trek and Star Wars, would always grapple over, "quality over quantity." So, it's a matter of spending time here when I want to, and doing in that time what makes me feel good. I had, gosh, like, five days accumulated in August before the Anniversary. Someone said if I did that, I'd be a shoe in for a promotion. *laugh* Ah well. But no, no, I don't spend time there I don't have to. 's why when I feel like leaving, I say, "I'm out."
I feel a lot better now, though I have to still shake my head at a few things. I'm being told that I matter and that I'm listened to, but maybe that's true in the chats. . . it doesn't seem that way elsewhere, or, at least, outside of my wonderful department, Communications.
But, thanks anyway for the comments.
Robert Griffith
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rabid_tribble
Member
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# Posted: 10 Jan 2004 17:58
Reply
.....Oh and Robert, also... I'd just like to add that I've looked at your doss in the past, and you have the biggest arsenal of medals and awards I have ever seen! You've got to be the most decorated officer at OTF!! So you should keep that in mind whenever you feel "under appreciated" around here. RT
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louise
Member
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# Posted: 12 Jan 2004 07:06
Reply
Dear Robert,
I'm a bit rubbish at this right now...but I just wanted to say, I appreciate you. You gave me some good advice a while back and made me smile.
and, you offered to proof my (incredibly long and boring)college submission (this will enter you into saint hood!
Thanks, you know what for
Loo
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christena
Member
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# Posted: 12 Jan 2004 14:38
Reply
Roberto! Roberto! Roberto!!!!!! *hugesquishyhuggles* You know we lurve ya! I consider you a very good friend of mine and proud to be it! I know you have been through some really rotten things in your life..(to be so young).and still your standing tall. You are very intelligent, which is sometimes intimidating to me.*L* I'm not good at snapping off an answer and retaining info like you do...I have much respect for you..I hope you know that...and I think we would have a very big loss if you were to leave.... YOu're in college now..try to loosen up a bit and enjoy it It goes by so quickly so try and soak up every minute of it...you can't go back...no matter how hard you try. Take it from someone who knows...*nods* You only get one chance at youth...enjoy life! Take chances! Go on a trip...even if it a few towns over...do something you've never done before!But most of all..be yourself and like the self you are. I think your top notch! and a very sweet guy!THere have been many a day I have come in the chat in a not-so-loverly mood and you have brightened my day!*huggles somemore*
I hope I haven't rambled too much.....JUst know that there are lots of people that do care about you and what happens to ya!
Chrissy
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